wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
