I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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