Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
