Jerry, you need to find god
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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