OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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