i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
