I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
