maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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