i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
