Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
