If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Randomize
