I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
