My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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