Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
