I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize
