we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
