Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
