today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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