he thought i was a dude.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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