You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
