The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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