Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
