either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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