He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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