Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
