She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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