I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
