and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
