she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
