New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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