I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
