I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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