What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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