A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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