A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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