Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
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