I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
