I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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