i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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