I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
