those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
