U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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