She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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