i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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