Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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