After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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