just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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