so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
