I'm jealous of your bromance
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
