and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Randomize
